#2019, #newyear, dad, family, friends, fun, memories, mom, parent, Uncategorized

A letter to my parents!

A letter to my parents:

First off, I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for supporting me in everything I do. Thank you for being my parents. I know this past year has not been the easiest for y’all especially dealing with my eating disorder, but I want y’all to know that you two handled it with such grace. I know it makes y’all frustrated when you can not fix things, and I know that if you had the chance too you would take it from me. I also want y’all to know that none of this is because of you. I sometimes feel like you blame yourselves and that should not be the case at all. You two are amazing parents, and I am so blessed to be able to call you mom and dad. Thank you for taking me to treatment, going to family therapy, sitting through long groups learning about the mental illness, trying to understand it. I hope you know how much I appreciate that. I really want you to know how much love I have for y’all. I hope I raise my kids just like y’all have raised Chase and I.

Dear Mom: You are such a role model in my life. I know I can tell you anything and everything. I hope to be half the woman you are someday. You will never know how much I cherish our relationship!

Dear Dad: Thank you for teaching me what to look for in a man. I want someone who works hard, and loves his family just as much as you do. I love you more than you know.

I know that I take y’all for granted sometimes, but I want you to know how much I truly love each of you. Thank you for making me who I am, and teaching me the rules of life. One thing you both have taught me that I am super grateful for is to never give up. Life will constantly throw challenges at you, but y’all have taught me to rise up above it, and to keep on pushing, and for that I will continue to fight and live my life to the fullest.

I love you mom & dad!

self care, Uncategorized

What I am leaving in 2018!

WOW.. I can’t believe 2018 has already come and passed. This is a new year. This means new beginnings. One thing I am definitely leaving behind in 2018 is the obsession over what people are thinking of me. I struggle so badly with this. I am always on edge when I leave my house because I fear what others might think of me. Will they think I’m ugly? Will they think I dress weird? Does my hair look okay? These are just some of the many questions that pop up in my head when I am out. Well, I am happy to say that this year I am going to try my hardest to be me. I want to be able to truly be myself where ever I am, and who ever I am with. I want to stop caring about what people think of me. If I am happy doing something I want to keep enjoying it without the feeling that someone is judging me. However, this will not be easy to overcome because this is one of the biggest challenges I deal with. 2018 was a very rough year for me, but that is not the case for 2019. I am going to conquer what life throws my way, and I am going to just enjoy life. I know that I will have moments of defeat, but this time I am knowledged with good coping skills, and I will put them to use. So here is to 2019, and here is to finally being me!!

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eating disorder, self care, Uncategorized

Self Care Ideas

As you all probably know, Life can be STRESSFUL. I believe that everyone should treat themselves every once in a while. I am going to share a list of some of my favorite self care activities!

  • Read a good book:

I am not a big reader, but once I find a book I really like I can not put it down.

  • Play with a pet:

I don’t know about you, but I love furbabies! Playing with my pet can really change my mood for the better!

  • Organize/plan:

Take time out of your day to organize. This could be cleaning your room, or writing down to do lists.

  • Make a music playlist:

Music can be very helpful to distract you from all of the crazy things in life

  • Face masks, Bubble bath:

Have a spa night for yourself! When I tend to feel stressed I will have a spa night, and I feel so refreshed afterwards!

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eating disorder

Stepping Towards Recovery

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This blog post is going to be very personal.

About a year and a half ago I decided I wanted to get healthy and lose weight. I changed my diet and I started to workout. Starting out I lost weight in a healthy way. I didn’t stress over meals, and I didn’t panic if I missed a workout. After a couple of months this changed. I started to eat less, and workout more. Seeing the weight drop on the scale made me feel so accomplished. I would workout every single day with no rest days. I put working out as my top priority. I would make excuses to not hang out with family or friends just so I could go to the gym. By this point I was skipping multiple meals, and telling others that “I already ate” or “I am not hungry”. This went on for a year until my parents confronted me about it. I told them that I could recover on my own I did not need help. However, they did want me to see a therapist so that is what I did. I started seeing a therapist, but I was also very good a lying about my eating disorder. I would tell her I have increased my food intake, or I have been having rest days from the gym. That was not the case. I was still very ill. (if you are very sensitive about eating disorders you may want to stop reading this is a trigger warning) After a couple of months of seeing my therapist I figured out how to trick my family and my therapist. I tried to act like nothing was wrong, and that I did not have an eating disorder anymore. This all changed very quickly. One day after restricting for so long I was starving. I didn’t want to eat or I would gain weight, but I was starting to get shaky and I already fainted a couple of days before. I thought to myself I will have a small meal and I would go back to restricting. So, I made something to eat, but I felt so guilty and gross that I just had to purge. This is something I have never done or wanted to do, but I did it. I then stepped on the scale, and realized I dropped a few pounds. My eating disorder brain got so happy, I realized that I could eat and lose weight. It was a miracle. I would eat meals, but right after I had to get rid of them. This went on for a couple of months. During those couple of months I started to isolate like never before, I was still so hungry, I had an attitude with everyone, and I would only go to the gym and stay at my house, and I started to skip school a lot. My grades suffered very badly, and I got in trouble a lot at school. My parents soon put a stop to it. They did not know I was purging and over exercising, they did not know what I was doing, but they were really suspicious. One night my best friend came over after weeks of not seeing her because I was always isolating. I broke down in front of her, and I told her I needed help. That night I went and told my parents that I want to go to a treatment center. They were really proud of me for telling them because it was not easy. They set up an assessment for an eating disorder treatment and I was put in to php (partial hospitalization program). My mom and I traveled to Texas to go to the treatment because unfortunately there are no programs in Alabama. I was so nervous about going. I was scared because I thought that I would miss my eating disorder it was there for me or so I thought. My eating disorder was not there for me it took things from me. I was in treatment for about three months. I went through many phases. I was full recovery mode for the first few weeks thinking it was easy, and that I could do it without any problems. Then treatment started to get rough. I was put on a big meal plan because I needed to gain weight. This is when I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up and go right back to my disordered ways, but I knew I shouldn’t so I didn’t. I continued with all the challenges, the body image issues I was having, and the different exposures my team threw my way. I really fought back to my eating disorder. I finally was weight restored and I was having hope of an eating disorder free life. Finally, I was discharged from treatment. Fast forward to now, I am not eating disorder free I still have challenges and eating disorder thoughts. Some days are more challenging than others, but I have decided to recover and I will continue to recover. I am starting to feel happy again, and starting to understand that you need to nourish your body to be healthy. I know that committing to recovery was the best decision I have ever made for myself. So if you are struggling with an eating disorder. I want you to know that you are not alone. You are worthy of recovery. You are sick enough for recovery, and that any small changes towards recovery is a big success. Never give up. There is a light of hope in starting your recovery journey!

Uncategorized

Drugstore makeup items that are 10/10

As you all know makeup can be very expensive, and sometimes the makeup that is the most expensive isn’t even that good. I am going to share my top five drugstore makeup items that are amazing!Makeup-Beauty-Essentials-While-Travelling

  • Maybelline fit me foundation

 This foundation is amazing! It goes on so smoothly, and it doesn’t cake up! This can be an everyday foundation because it is so light, but also has great coverage!

  • NYX buttergloss

If you are a fan of lip gloss then this is the gloss for you! This gloss is so moistorizing, and it is not sticky like all the other glosses.

  • Maybelline instant age rewind concealer

I have used this concealer for years. I love it so much! It does not crease during the day and it actually works to cover my dark circles!

  • Rimmel London stay matte pressed powder

I have searched for so long for a good cheap powder. This is the best one I have found. It is not cakey, and it is very light to wear!

  • Maybelline lash sensational mascara

If you are searching for a long lasting mascara that does not smear then I got your back. This mascara is so well made and very easy to apply. The brush on it is very unique, and makes your lashes look so full!